Effective Communication
Are we even trying?
This is a reoccurring topic and one of the biggest issues my clients face. 90% of my couples are working on this.
I personally have had many issues with communicating properly in the workplace and in my personal relationships, but with time and practice and, most importantly, PATIENCE, I have learned to master this skill and help others master it as well. Sometimes our environment plays a factor in how we communicate.
Many people want to know what effective communication is and what it means to have effective communication skills. Effective communication means that your ideas and even thoughts are being heard and people are acting upon them. It also means you are able to listen, understand, and take action on what other people say.
It seems obvious that good communication would come naturally. But so often, when we try to interact with others, something goes wrong. Misunderstandings, dissatisfaction, and disagreements happen when we say one thing, and the other person hears something different. Misunderstandings are common. So, you need to identify and eliminate possible bad habits, which will help you better connect with others and convey your meaning.
Effective communication is more difficult these days than years ago because there are so many more ways to connect. You would think getting your point across would be easier, but that is not the case. This makes it crucial to develop effective communication skills to ensure others understand what we're trying to say. With texting, email, instant messaging, and cell phones, the options to communicate are overwhelming. With so many more choices of how to communicate effectively, it is important that you choose words carefully because things can get easily misinterpreted. If you're unclear about a message, be sure to ask for clarification to avoid any confusion. For constant effective communication, always stay engaged and make sure to listen to understand.
Why Do You Lack Effective Communication Skills?
Here are some typical barriers that might be preventing you from communicating effectively:
Stress
Stress can lead to a habit of unhealthy behavior where you misinterpret other people and send conflicting messages. You can develop effective communication skills by calming down before resuming a conversation in order to prevent conflict and misconceptions.
Lack of focus
You won't be able to communicate clearly if your thoughts aren't on the discussion you're having. Effective communication means you are focused and avoiding other distractions.
Negative Body Language
If you don't agree with someone, you might be tempted to shake your head, roll your eyes, or cross your arms. It's still important to communicate positively to prevent putting the other person down and sending negative signals. This is key to developing effective communication skills.
Phone Communication
Let's talk about phone communication now. As with face-to-face communication, the receiver hears the tone of voice, but both parties lack the visual aspect of communication that is needed for effective communication. If the sender is tired or upset (even if the upset is unrelated to the content of the message), the receiver may misunderstand the message, which doesn't lead to effective communication.
Text, Email, or Slack Communication
Texts, emails, or slack messages lack a great deal of the context we get from visuals (body language, facial expressions) and vocals (tone of voice). The person reading it will read it in their own tone of voice, which may or may not be what the sender intended.
There are many ways a message can be misunderstood or misinterpreted. Each person enters a conversation with their own filters through which they send and receive messages.
Our filters are affected by many factors, such as our education, our culture, our background, our biases, our knowledge of the topic, and our mood. So, in order to have effective communication, it's important to be face-to-face so that you can hear the other person's voice and observe their body language.
Styles of Communication
We each have a different style of communication, which is another barrier. Maybe you are someone who prefers bullet points, maybe you like to tell long stories, maybe you prefer facts and graphs, or maybe you prefer gentle, respectful communication.
When our conversation is finished, what do I want the other person to think, feel, or do? The clearer your intentions are, the more likely you are to achieve your goal of effective communication.
Check for understanding. The simplest is to ask. "Was I clear?" "What do you think about what I said?", "Do you have any questions?" This isn't 100% effective, the receiver might "think" they understand but still get it wrong.
In person, you may also keep an eye out for cues in people's body language and facial expressions. Is there tension between the eyebrows? That could mean that they are confused or maybe upset.
Providing Context
Communicating effectively requires that you provide context at the outset. Too often, we jump into a conversation mid-thought. Your morning might have been filled with nothing but thoughts about what you wanted to talk about. That means the context is crystal clear to you.
The listener, however, may have been thinking about something entirely different, and they may take a bit of time to get up to speed.
For effective communication, give a bit of background on what you will discuss at the beginning of your conversation. Consider answering the following unasked questions: "Why are you talking to me?" Why is this important?" What background information do I need to know?" With the help of these questions, you can improve your effective communication skills and reduce the likelihood of future misunderstandings.
Listening
What can you do to be the best listener? First of all, remove all distractions. Turn off your phone, close your computer, and turn off slack notifications. Clear your mind of other issues. If possible, take notes.
Listen to understand, not confirm what you think you are going to hear to achieve effective communication. Ask questions to confirm understanding.
Your job as a listener is to be 100% present, which isn't as easy as it sounds. We are humans, and it is almost impossible to be 100% present. At any moment, our stomach might growl, and we start thinking about lunch, or a thought about something else crosses our mind, and we stop listening as effectively.
If you are reading emails while listening on the phone, I guarantee you will miss important details. It may feel like it is more efficient to multitask. It is not. The best we can do is rapidly process between the email and the conversation.
With so many more choices of how to communicate, it is important that you choose words carefully because things can get easily misinterpreted. If you're unclear about a message, be sure to ask for clarification to avoid any confusion. As stated earlier, effective communication means staying engaged and making sure you listen to fully understand.
Listen more than talk:
When we talk more than listen, we miss an opportunity to learn. The other person will also perceive you more positively. Effective communication skills mean having good listening skills.
One of the many issues linked to bad communication skills is
Stonewalling in a Relationship
This is one of the biggest issues my client couples tell me to hinder their relationships. But what is it exactly, and why does it happen?
We all need to feel heard, especially by those we love. So, when your partner goes quiet and refuses to acknowledge what you say, it hurts. Stonewalling can be intentional or unintentional. Either way, it is hurtful to the recipient and may severely damage a relationship in the long run.
The term “stonewalling” was popularized by John Gottman, a relationship researcher. It refers to when a listener withdraws from an interaction by shutting down or getting quiet. One absolutely refuses to consider their partner’s perspective.
In aggressive stonewalling, the stonewaller knows that silence, a cold shoulder, and emotional isolation hurt their spouse. So, they do it to gain leverage of power. It is a common tactic in abusive relationships where the more powerful partner controls or dominates, the less powerful one.
In defensive stonewalling, conflict is overwhelming to the stonewaller. Their only choice is to shut it out. They are not aggressive, rather, they escape conflict to protect themselves from getting hurt by their partner.
Stonewalling is a complex issue because it has its roots in childhood trauma.
Most people do not realize the extent to which their behavior affects their partner. However, knowing how to respond to stonewalling or what to do if you behave that way can save the relationship.
Here are stonewalling examples:
Ignoring what someone is saying
Changing the subject to avoid a sensitive topic
Giving excuses not to have a conversation
Avoiding a subject by making accusations
Using dismissive body language such as looking away or rolling their eyes
Refusing to answer questions
Refusing to acknowledge stonewalling behavior
Yes... stonewalling can look aggressive, mean, or childish from the outside, but it feels different from the inside.
Is Stonewalling a form of Abuse...
Yes, because it belittles, demeans, disrespects, and devalues the person who’s being stonewalled. Using manipulation to gain control of the relationship and making them feel powerless in the process is one of the worst forms of emotional abuse.
Is Stonewalling a form of Gaslighting...
Yes, a stonewaller may attempt to make you seem “emotional” or “unreasonable”. They attempt to make you think you don’t have a good grasp on reality or that you’re not emotionally intelligent.
When stonewalling happens in a relationship, couples therapy can help. Even if stonewalling appears intentional and aggressive, remember that it’s used by people who feel powerless or have low self-esteem. If you realize you resort to stonewalling when you’re frustrated, here’s what you can do.
Recognize When You’re About to Stonewall. Stay in touch with your emotions so that you can tell when you’re shutting down. You might pay attention to physical changes connected to negative emotions. A lump in your throat, burning in your chest, or fluttering in your stomach might hint that you’re about to shut down. Knowing when you’re overwhelmed can help you figure out how to cope.
Communicate and talk to your partner about what makes you shut down. Tell them how they can be of help when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Effective communication is the ability to have a conversation with another person in an engaging way that is engaging, focused, consistent, and offers value. Communicating effectively involves two or more people who can clearly express their intent and understand the focus or purpose of the conversation while also allowing each person to get their point across.
Here are a few tips you can use to communicate more effectively:
Understand the barriers to effective communication. It's beneficial to consider the most common barriers to effective communication so you can be aware of them when communicating with others. Common barriers include stress, feeling emotionally overwhelmed, difficulty focusing, or inconsistent body language.
Focus on the speaker. Focusing on the speaker and learning to listen actively can also help with improving skills. If you find yourself distracted, try to ask questions to understand better and narrow your focus.
Try to stay on topic. Interruptions or shifting the direction of the conversation can affect the overall purpose. Aim to stay on topic by contributing to the topic in discussion.
Use nonverbal communication. Nonverbal cues, including but not limited to body language, can be an important part of effective communication methods. Recognize and identify the body language of others and pay attention to how you respond to certain things to gain better emotional clarity.
Strengthen skills related to communication. Improving certain skills, like teamwork and problem-solving, can also help with enhancing communication. Other important communication skills include active listening, asking questions, and problem-solving.
Consider cultural differences. Cultural backgrounds can influence how a person communicates. It's important to consider how someone's background may influence their communication style and how this may differ from what you consider effective.
Pause between responses. Pausing between responses in a conversation can help you formulate what you want to say. This also allows you to focus primarily on the speaker and what they're saying rather than using that time to create your response.
Choose the right method of communication. Effective communication also requires that you choose the best method of communication for the topic. For example, some topics are best communicated in person vs. email.
So, what have we learned today? Something I tell my kids almost daily...
"Use Your Words!"
Proverbs 18:2 says that a fool takes no pleasure in understanding but only in expressing his opinion.
Nancy Phillips
