Toxic Friendships in Teens (A Good Read for Parents)

Toxic Friendships in Teens

I'm the parent of a 23 year old daughter and in most of her 23 years I have definitely seen friends come and go. Some were nurturing and caring friendships, but others were toxic. One of the main needs of a teenager's development is to belong and to feel accepted.  This is why looks and appearance are so important.

A negative relationship is called a "toxic friendship" and most parents can spot this from a mile away. Some people also call these friendships "frenemies". These friendships are not in any way healthy because it can lead teens to have negative feelings about his or herself.

One thing I did learn was that I could not choose my daughters friends and the more I disapproved, the more she defended her friendship/friendships. Teens tend to have a way of viewing the world in which their friends are much more important than anyone else. So if these friends are criticized it is more likely that the relationship would grow stronger. A teenager needs to understand that their parents only want what is best for them and want to see them be with others who do like them and also want the best for them.

Teens are going to object to their parents criticism of their friends. This strategy for parents is not successful and never will be. Communication is key. Conversations between parents and children should be respectful and understandable. In other words they should be clear and recognizable. An example from parent to child would be:

I don't like that your friends smoke pot because I do not want you using drugs. I don't think it is good for you.

A teen talking to their friends way more than they talk to their parents is natural. Even if the relationship between parent and child is great, a teen still has a desire to make their own choices. As a teen, or young adult as some call it, talking to adults in your life about everyday stuff can build a bond that can smooth the way for when you need to discuss something more important or serious.

Teens that have friends that they can trust and count on for support are less likely to engage in risky behavior. Teens who argue often with close friends are said to more than likely take these risks. According to a Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience study done in 2015 involving 23 adolescents, teens who have a closer relationship with their parents where they communicated without yelling or arguing, showed respect, and talked through problems, showed less activation of a brain region linked to risk taking. They took fewer chances of engaging in dangerous behavior.

One thing I have learned is that I am my children's role model.  Forming and maintaining positive and healthy relationships with friends, colleagues and my spouse teaches them respect, empathy and positive ways of resolving conflict. When a teen feels confident and comfortable with themselves, they are less likely to accept bad treatment from a friend.

If you feel the relationship between parent and child is strained, you can try easing into a conversation. Chatting with parents everyday not only keeps the relationship strong but can help a frayed relationship grow stronger. When parents feel connected to your everyday life, they will be there for you when something important comes up. Hobbies and activities that they enjoy can also build self esteem and confidence