Are you hearing me or listening... or neither?
This sounds like something my husband would say to me or maybe something I might say to him. "But of course, I am, my dear, I HEAR you." Either way, doing both is important when effectively communicating with one another. But are they the same thing? Not at all! Medically speaking, Hearing and listening are not the same thing. Hearing is the act of perceiving sound. It is involuntary and refers to the reception of aural stimuli. Listening is a selective activity that involves the reception and interpretation of aural stimuli. Selective activity, you say? How many of us know people that seem to have selective hearing? And I don't mean your 85-year-old grandmother, who you have to convince to keep her hearing aid in because she thinks she can hear you just fine because you are the one with the problem. She tells you you are whispering to her, although you are truly yelling as loud as someone on a bullhorn. When I say a person with selective hearing, I am imagining a person who is in perfect health that seems only to hear you when it's pleasant or rewarding, or beneficial to them. I bet you all are nodding your head in agreement. So frustrating, though, right?
But which is better? Well, Communication is the key to a strong, healthy relationship. On so many levels, communication allows people to exchange messages about their thoughts, love, and other emotions. Effective communication requires practicing the skills of listening and the expression of thoughts and feelings. It is much more than talking. Communication consists of verbal messages (what you say), contextual issues (how you say it), emotional tone (why you say it), and even non-verbal cues (what you don't say).
Listening is the single most important communication skill, as it is the best way to understand your partner. Listening requires not only your ears but also your eyes, your heart, your mind, and your complete being. A good listener does more than just hear words; they interpret emotions and behaviors and respond appropriately. But how does one become a good listener? A good listener pays attention to the person's words AND feelings, this action sends a clear message: "You are important to me." It shows caring and increases the likelihood that the person you are listening to will continue sharing their feelings. When listening, encourage them to talk about what they find important. If you disagree with their statements, continue to listen without judgment or placing blame. Remember that good listening does not include defensiveness, so this means you can't use this as a way to knock down or attack the person or use their words against them. Good listening can be the key to defusing current and preventing future problems that could come up in a couple's relationship. Listening requires that you pay attention to the tone of voice, facial expression, eye contact, and physical gestures. It is important to focus on nonverbal examples of feelings as well as spoken words. It is easy to be careless and assume you know what the other person means. Some pretend to listen while doing something else, while others, you can clearly see, have zoned out mentally. If you want to break these habits, you cannot focus on what to say next or make comparisons to what was said to you. Give them your full attention and take time to think before you respond.
Honey, can you take out the trash because the bag is going to leak, and the kitchen will smell. I can't cook when there is trash in the kitchen. It will just make me nauseated.
Ok, I will...
Honey did you "hear" me?
I'm listening!
No, but did you hear me??
I hope that the mini-conversation wasn't a trigger for some of you.
Listening is an active mental process. It is the art of paying thoughtful attention with a mind toward understanding the complete message being delivered. Hearing is receiving information. Hearing simply happens. You can hear someone calling your name or asking you the same question three times and still not be truly listening.
To Sum things up
You can hear someone’s words without listening actively. You might be listening, but you’re not just listening — you are actively participating in the conversation with a person.
Developing great active listening can help you build strong relationships and interact with others more successfully. Communicate properly, listen to the other person's words, and hear them. Hear what it is they are asking of you or sharing with you. Do you truly understand the difference between the two now? If you struggle with active listening or connecting with people in other ways, a mental health provider can offer guidance on strengthening these skills.
